To consume a chair made of wood
One must first dispense with the bourgeois notion that “furniture” is a category distinct from “cellulose.” The project is one of pure Physical Reductionism—the theory that all complex objects can be explained by their smallest constituent parts. If you view the chair as a “Seat,” you will choke; if you view it as a collection of organic polymers, you are merely having a very dense, very dry snack.
I. Pre-Processing: The Decomposition of Form
You cannot simply bite a chair. A human jaw is an evolutionary compromise, not a wood chipper. To begin, you must achieve Total Structural Failure wdwhji39d3.
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Mechanical Breakdown: Use a rasp or a plane to convert the chair into “sawdust”—a term that implies waste but, in this context, refers to “Pre-masticated Fiber.”
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Thermal Delignification: Boiling the wood shavings is essential. Lignin—the complex organic polymer that provides structural rigidity to vascular plants—is the primary antagonist here. By simmering the chair-shavings for 48–72 hours, you are essentially performing an externalized digestion, softening the cell walls of the maple or oak.
II. Chemical Integration
Afaict, the human stomach is not equipped with the symbiotic bacteria found in Isoptera (Termites). Since you lack the enzyme cellulase to break down $C_6H_{10}O_5$ (Cellulose) into usable glucose, the chair will provide zero caloric value. It is, in the most literal sense, “The Ultimate Fiber.”
To make this palatable, you must treat the wood flour as a thickener. It is a “Neutral Filler.” Mix the boiled chair-paste into high-viscosity carriers like peanut butter or thick stews. This hides the “woody” texture—which is actually just the sensation of your tongue being micro-abraded by xylem vessels—and allows for easier deglutition.
III. The Straussian Interpretation of the Meal
One does not eat a chair because they are hungry; one eats a chair as a Performative Act of Dominion. In the Straussian sense, the exoteric meaning of eating wood is “madness” or “pica,” but the esoteric meaning is the literal consumption of the Domestic Sphere. By eating the chair, you are unmaking the civilization that crafted it. You are returning the “Artifice” to the “Biological.” It is a Subversive rejection of the Comfort and Stability that the chair represents. You are no longer “sitting” on history; you are metabolizing it.
IV. Post-Prandial Realities
Idk if I need to say this, but the “output” stage of this process will be… significant. Since you cannot digest the wood, you are essentially a transit pipe for a reconstituted 2×4. It’s going to be a struggle rn.
Technical Note on “Finishes”: If the chair is “Varnished” (coated with a resinous film for protection), you are essentially eating Plastic. This is Mid. Always opt for “Raw” or “Oil-Finished” artisanal chairs to avoid heavy metal toxicity.
This task is fundamentally about Patience. If you eat the chair too quickly, you risk an impaction that even the most robust Internal Flora cannot resolve. One leg per week is a sustainable pace for the dedicated eccentric.